Ear Candy: Ryan Adams and The Cardinals

My name is in the Commonwealth Essay Writing website. I just noticed, and I'm just telling you. Out of thousands entered, my name is there. Not my classmates, whom I usually think are better writers than myself. But me. Me, me, me. And funny enough, an English department teacher told me I'm their favourite "thing" to talk about in their department after I got awarded. So, they felt I brought along some pride to the college.

Funny, isn't it? When you think no one gives a rat's ass about you? But then, you walked into a room to find your name mentioned and you start to feel uneasy because you became paranoid and you're thinking, "should I go back out or should I pretend to not hear them and just go in as I intended to do?" After my teacher told me that they discuss about me so many times, I wasn't sure if I should feel comfortable or not.

I was never in a situation where teacher's cared about me. A few times in SRAD, but it faded out early. Never in SMSAB, except Mr G but I never see him as a teacher; more like a mentor and a friend. But when I walked into that room last Thursday to hear my name being cat-called from one end of the room to the other, I feel... well, significant. Like I have some sort of authority over these people who are older than me. Most of the teachers I never even talked to nor do I know them. They knew my name and I nearly freaked out. And they were saying, "You won the Commonwealth award, didn't you?" and all I did was nodded my head and gripped on Zirah's arm out of fright.

It's one thing to win a prestigous award, but another thing to have people talk about you. No matter if they're praising what you did. I'm not used to getting in the limelight even at the amount of stage productions I've joined. I just join stage because I like being there, putting on a façade, not being myself. I live in fantasy, and my family knows that with the amount of time I spend reading or writing or blasting songs in my room in addition to the fact that I don't go out and hang out with my friends.

People feel sorry for me for shunning myself away from social life. But I detest, I like being at home. I like reading, I like writing and I love my music. I like interacting with people on the internet. I have enough social skills to last for another ten years at the moment. I don't need people's pity.

And to top it all of: I don't even remember what I wrote. I was about to make a portfolio of my writing so I had it printed. My award-winning essay is somewhere in my room, but I can't find it. It's probably under my pile of A Level folders.

I'm in dilemma. I won something and I don't even know why I won. I want to read it again, to justify myself if I deserve the attention and the award or not.

I'm fidgeting to take Journalism for a University course now.

later: I found the essay!
And now I would like to scream, "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID THAT  WON AN AWARD?!"

Teah X3